Warning: this blogpost is raw and uncensored, with a side of whining. And it will probably start rambling at some point, because I am long winded with my fingers.
Truth is, I’m a wallflower. I’ve always been the quiet girl, all through grade school and into adulthood. Despite random bouts of seemingly social periods of life, in the end I am nothing more than a bubbleheaded wallflower, watching the world bloom. So I decided to prioritize social media, because how hard would that be? Turns out, its a lot harder than I ever thought.
When it comes to helping other people use social media to build their business, I’m your gal. I can objectively build a strategy, analyze engagement, and develop personal branding like a boss. I’m available at 2am to troubleshoot, follow the trends, research the upcoming techniques. When I am behind the screen, incognito, social media is my jam.
This year, my Word of the Year is “execute”, meaning I want to follow through on the personal goals I’ve set these past few years. One of which is to rebrand and grow my blog. January rolled around and I jumped to it, not only with the blog posts themselves but also by promoting the blog on social media. I have put myself out there more, mainly on Instagram, and hoped that I would be able to apply the training I provide others on my own platforms. Afterall, how can I teach others how to be successful if I have a whopping 300 followers and post pictures of my cats?
I teach my clients that numbers are not the singular driving force behind Instagram and social media success. Authentic engagement and relationships is what makes it all worth it. So as my numbers increased by twenty then fell by fifteen, again and again, I told myself that those losses were bots. They were “follow-unfollow” spammers. I ignored it, because my people, the people who mattered, where still following. They were still engaging. The people who enjoy my contact were pleased to have me on their feed.
The Bitter Truth
Sometimes I check the “People who have unfollowed you” tab in a third party app. I have hundreds of unfollows, frankly many of them are people who I have never even engaged with. I don’t care. Until now, when I clicked the “People who are following that don’t follow you”. I assumed this was the higher follower count individuals I’ve followed recently, and clicked in to see if perhaps I could increase my engagement with some of these accounts to hopefully build a relationship. After all, being social is the purpose of social media.
I was shocked to find multiple, as in dozens, of people who I know IRL (that’s slang for in real life) who don’t follow me. They had apparently been lost in the “people who unfollowed me” chaos, so I didn’t realize. But here they were, nearly twenty individuals who I have known for years, spoken to, competed with, engaged with. People who I even called friends.
And this hurt.
Why did they unfollow me? Was it because I moved across the country and they cleaned up their following? Or they don’t feel obligated to follow me now that I’m gone? Maybe when I started posted pictures of my toddler, they no longer felt connected? Is it because I changed my grid strategy? They don’t like my content? I don’t have a clue, but it sucks. It’s disheartening. It hurts more than they know.
As someone who has zero social skills, I thought making friends on the internet would be easier than breaking the awkward silence and fidgeting of in-person interactions. I never thought branching out would cut me off from my roots.
A Quarter-Life Crisis, Continued
I’m having an identity crisis. Actually, this has been ongoing since my life changed so drastically in 2014. Getting married, pregnancy, moving across the country twice, leaving my job, finding passion in something new but being too scared to pursue it… this is my life. I blamed it on my quarter-life crisis. But seeing
I’ve done the food blog thing (before it was cool, thanks Food Writing with Anne Sterling my first year of college in 2008). I’ve done the travel blog thing (local travel, community tourism. At one point that was my career goal, and the focus of my degree). But neither of those are truly me anymore. Writing, regardless of the topic, is the only consistent pillar in my life. Ultimately, the goal of my new current, rebranded blog, my YouTube channel, my social media is to show my adventures. The highly caffeinated adventures of a “less mess” mom (crushing the comparison trap) and her opinionated ginger haired daughter.
Obviously, I’m failing at portraying that message. And losing the friendships I had made before this, without replacing them with new friendships. I’m more alone than ever, with no physical friends (other than my realtor who has been awesome since before we ever moved here) and the tangible friendships from prior are slowly trickling away one by one. So what’s the purpose of social media? Why bother putting myself out there?
I’d like to say that this moth is shaking the powder from her wings and re-emerging as a social butterfly, but frankly that’s not the case. I’m tired of trying to be someone I’m not. I don’t need thousands of followers. Seeing my face in tiny squares makes me uncomfortable, and I’d rather build myself through my words behind the safety net of a screen. Hidden inside the cocoon I’ve built and only open for those who I’ve invited inside. Transformation goes both ways, and I’ve tried to bloom but I’ll always be a wallflower.